Sexting 101

Meeting someone new and exciting is probably one of the items on your checklist if you’re a newly divorced man or woman.

So, once you’re in a long-term relationship, how do you plan on keeping the spark going when you’re not with each other?  Juggling families, careers, and dating someone new can feel a bit overwhelming. But dating after divorce can definitely be exciting as well!  

I’m going to let you in on a little secret about modern dating — sexting is like peeing in the shower, everyone does it, but no one talks about it. 

What is sexting?

Sexting is sending, receiving, or forwarding sexually explicit messages, photographs, or videos, primarily between mobile phones, of oneself to others. It may also include the use of a computer or any digital device. 

Who sexts?

According to an article by the LA Times, around 88% of the participants said they had sexted at least once in their lives. Around 82% had done so in the last year. 96% of these sexters said they endorsed the practice.

The report found that around  74% of survey-takers said they texted with a partner they were in a committed relationship with, while 43% had texted a partner in a casual relationship, and 12% had texted someone “in a cheating relationship.”

Why do people sext?

Sexting is a completely acceptable part of a consenting relationship. There are countless reasons why people sext, one being; you’re in a new relationship and you’re in that stage where you can’t help but find yourself thinking about them at work. Sending a fun sext in anticipation for a date later is absolutely okay!

People in long distance relationships are often forced to get creative when establishing a connection, after all phone calls can only do so much. Video calls, sexting, and photos are all ways to keep the fire going between you when you can't see your person as often as you’d like. 

Lastly, you might be a busy parent who doesn’t have the flexibility to see your partner as often as other singles do. Sexting allows you to explore comfort zones and keep things exciting until the next time you get to see each other. 

What are the benefits of sexting?

Sexting can be SUCH a fun and flirty experience! But please remember — you should only sext with someone you trust. 

Having a boring afternoon at work? Sext your man/woman!

Sexting can be an enjoyable way of learning more about what a new or old partner likes. Some men and women aren’t comfortable opening up in person about what they like or WANT sexually. Sexting gives shyer individuals an opportunity to communicate with their partner those desires in a less intimidating way.

Want to sext someone you’re seeing (with consent), but not sure where to start? Check out a few ideas here. 

What are the risks or downfalls of sexting?

If sexting goes well then it’s never anyone's business, but if it doesn’t, it’s everyone’s. 

Unfortunately revenge porn is alive and well. A great example of this is former Congress woman Katie Hill, whose asshole ex-husband posted her private photos on a site during their divorce. Ms. Hill’s awful experience and later resignation is an example of why if you do choose to partake in sexting — specifically using images, you should make sure to not have your face in the photo. 

Another risk of sexting? You could send it to the wrong person. 

Talk about a nightmare. 

Can you imagine how embarrassing that would be? If you’ve ever sent a slightly questionable text you know what it’s like in those seconds after pushing the send button where you think to yourself, Dear God, I hope I sent that to the right person. 

Speaking of questionable behavior...when is sexting even appropriate?

When is it appropriate to sext? 

After you’ve both communicated (preferably in person) about where each of you stand on sexting. Ask them if it’s something they’re open and/or interested in?

In heterosexual relationships, I truly believe that the man should not initiate sexting the first time. If the woman is open to it, she should initiate. After the first time? 

It’s open season. 

When is it inappropriate to sext?

Say you meet someone online — if you’re looking to have more than just a “hook up” it is not suggested that you sext before you’ve met the other person. 

Should you sext before you have sex? Again, unless you’re looking for something casual, you shouldn’t sext before you’ve been intimate. Someone shared a story with me that the sexting she had before with a guy was much hotter than the actually sex was. Whomp whomp. 

Sexting gone wrong

I was once in a long-distance relationship where we saw each other once or twice a month. We wanted to keep things exciting between us. So, not being able to see each other in person we did the next best thing — sexting. 

And it was great! Of course, you have to be mindful of hiding your explicit photos when scrolling to show your coworker your new pet on your phone. 

Another thing to be mindful of is what I mentioned earlier, the possibility of accidentally sending that explicit text or photo to someone else by accident. 

What if you accidentally send the photo to a friend or family member? 

What if that person was your partner’s mother?

That’s what happened to my ex. 

Watching them say hello for the first time since the photo was sent was comical to say the least. Moral of the story? Don’t put your partner’s family member as “Jade’s Mom” instead of their name, because you might just send that uncensored sext to the wrong person.

Oh did I mention that my mom didn’t have his number saved, so she thought it was just a random picture, which she subsequently showed all of her co-workers. Not my kind of water cooler gossip, but to each their own.

Final thoughts  

As with anything between two people, consent is required for sexting. Consent is the most critical piece separating sexting from harassment, so be sure to confirm before sending! Friendly reminder that any hesitancy from the other person should be taken as a no. 

As with physical  sex, foreplay is a major player in sexting. Instead of sending straight on genital photos, start with a shirt off, in underwear or lingerie if you prefer. A little pro tip for the ladies — sometimes even a photo of the bottom of your mouth biting your (lower) lip works well. 

Most importantly - gentlemen for the love of God, please do not ever send an unsolicited d*ck pic. If you’ve ever received one out of the blue you know how off putting it can be. Never has a woman said, I am so happy he sent me that unsolicited penis picture. When sending a picture from below the belt, be sure there have been consensual messages exchanged before sending your Johnson, Mr. Johnson. 

Lastly, it’s so important I have to come back to it NEVER have your face in the picture. Once it’s out there, it’s out there my friend!

Have a funny sexting story gone wrong? Email it to Jade@datingafterdivorce.com to be featured on our IG anonymously.