Are There Benefits to a “Hoe Phase” Post Divorce?
Is it okay to have shameless, casual (safe) sex after a divorce?
Most marriages have been over long before the ink dries on the divorce papers. That being said, if you’re anything like the 746,971 married couples in America who decided to go their separate ways in 2020, you probably haven’t had sex in a while.
Hopefully, you haven’t been having break-up sex with your ex. That can get complicated.
First things first. It’s vitally important that you’ve done the self-work (a glass or 4 of wine does not count) before you’re ready to have a sex life again. Do not skip this step!
If you’re divorced and not looking to immediately jump into something serious, here are a few questions that have probably crossed your mind when it comes to sex post-divorce.
Should I be worried about how I’ll be perceived?
What will the neighbors think?
What if my ex-husband or ex-wife finds out I’m having casual sex, will that affect anything?
How do you keep it from my kids?
Is it safe?!
Disclaimer — this article is not to promote or bash any adult choosing to have casual sex or not. It is here to bring up points, ask questions and be a helpful resource for those dating after divorce. And it’s absolutely okay to have a differing opinion!
What is a “hoe”?
For the sake of this article - we will define a “hoe” as a man or woman who chooses to have casual sex (potentially with multiple partners) without the intention of developing a relationship or that lacks attachment entirely.
Can men be hoes?
Yes, men can be hoes. It’s just more socially acceptable for men to sleep around without “strings attached” — even in 2021. Remember the song from my guy Ludacris?
What are the benefits of a post-divorce “hoe phase”?
Some people have sex simply because they want to and they enjoy it.
Controversial, I know!
I do not use the word “hoe” as a derogatory term to slut-shame anyone. I believe there can be some beneficial aspects of casual sex, like :
You can rediscover (or discover) yourself. I’ve had a number of clients who were high school or college sweethearts with their ex. Their knowledge of sex basically began and ended with them. Being with only one person for so long, you can easily neglect your needs in the bedroom. Getting back out there with new partners can be a good way of figuring out what you like and dislike.
Explore your sexuality. There are a ton of people who use this time to explore their sexuality post divorce.
Sex with the same person for a decade or more can be monotonous. When you’re ready to, allowing yourself to experience a different person can really open your eyes to what you may have been missing out on before!
Lastly, you can give yourself the freedom to enjoy sex. Consenting adults need no permission, but that of those involved. Sex is natural. You’re a human being. You should not be ashamed of it.
What are the potential downfalls of a post-divorce “hoe phase”?
Unintended emotional attachment. Even those who plan to have someone who is “friends with benefits” can find themselves catching feelings. If this is something that won’t be reciprocated, it can be a blow to your head and heart.
Covid. Ah, the pink elephant in the room. The global pandemic we’re living through made casual sex A LOT more complicated. Are they vaccinated? Do you have similar lifestyles? Are you both taking the same precautions?
STIs & more. One of the most frightening parts of casual sex is the uncertainty of who else your partner has been with. Even if they claim they haven’t been sexually active in some time, always air on the side of caution. Don’t be afraid of saying no to things you don’t feel comfortable with. Before and after casual sex you should always get tested!
Delay in healing and/or masking pain. We all have our own ways of dealing with a divorce. If you’re using casual sex to feel validated from the lack of love/attention from your previous marriage, the likelihood that this stranger is going to fill that void is almost zero.
Phone a friend re: Hoe Phase Advice
My friend and fellow divorcée Leanna Joan, the host of Hello and Goodbye, a comedy podcast about sex, dating, and vulnerability, was kind enough to weigh in on the topic! In the podcast, Leanna and her co-host Jared give candid, funny, and relatable advice on their dating experiences. Here’s what Leanna had to say:
What’s the worst dating advice you’ve received (post-divorce or otherwise)?
"When you stop looking for love, that's when it will find you." I believe it's OK to actually try! It's OK to go on dating apps, work with a matchmaker, ask friends to set you up, etc. All of that is TRYING at it's a positive thing.”
In your opinion, what’s the benefit of having a hoe phase after ending a marriage?
“I think this is a gray area. I think it's important to see what's out there, explore your sexuality and figure out what you want and what you don't want, however, it's important to do this with integrity not only to the other person, but to yourself as well.
Are you being completely upfront that you want sex and nothing more? Is that what you REALLY want, or is it being used as a coping method and a way to avoid feeling pain? Be honest with yourself of what will fulfill you and what will hurt you.”
What disclaimer would you give to a friend (if they asked) embarking on a hoe phase journey after their divorce or breakup?
“This is parallel to the "benefit" of having a hoe phase. I personally believe that casual sex feels bad because you have to be vulnerable before emotional intimacy and trust can be developed. I've also experienced that someone, usually myself, almost always gets hurt in the process.
I can't stress enough the importance of upfront honesty and communication. Make sure both parties are on the same page, and if you think you will end up hurt, listen to your gut and skip the casual sex.”
Would you recommend a hoe phase post-divorce to someone? Why or why not?
“I think it depends on the person, but I don't think it has to happen for a positive and fulfilling relationship to blossom in the future. I think talk therapy, personal development, exercise, leaning on friends and intentional dating is the healthier route.
However, I get that sometimes we need touch and sex, and in that case, just be REALLY open and honest with any potential partner.”
Do you think women can separate feelings/emotions from sex? Can men?
“I believe it's harder for women to separate feelings and emotions from sex. I think those who do may have more of an avoidant attachment style as they tend to fear intimacy so they build walls and act tough on the outside. Scientifically, women release a hormone (oxytocin) during sex that men also release, but women actually release more.
This can create stronger attachments and feelings that men may not experience. I truly believe, however, that separating emotions from sex is a coping mechanism to protect against intimacy for fear of abandonment, and if both partners were truly listening to their hearts, both partners would realize that attachment occurs whether we want it to or not.”
Thank you Leanna for answering these questions! Be sure to check out our episode on the Hello and Goodbye podcast about Dating After Divorce here.
So Jade, does this mean you recommend casually sleeping around?
Truthfully, if you’re consenting adults I don’t think it’s anyone else's business what you do behind closed doors. Call it taking control of your sexuality. Call it discovering yourself. As long as you’re not hurting anyone (including yourself) and being safe, you do you! I believe it is critical to be honest with yourself before the process. Otherwise, you might find yourself questioning your value.
Personal journey
After my divorce, I was a bit of a mess. I took a solo trip, partied, and met some amazing people. I have absolutely no shame about the casual (but safe) sex I had when I was single.
One thing I stuck with from the beginning of my post-divorce dating experience was being honest with people and leading with my intentions, even if that didn’t align with what the other person was looking for.
I vividly remember trying to leave a guy's house the morning after a one-night stand as he was asking me to go to a wedding with him the next month. Sorry! Gotta go! Byeeee! I just wasn’t there. I wasn’t ready! I hadn’t explored the extent I wanted to explore. I also hadn’t done the work I needed to do. I worked towards it in my own time and that’s okay! We’re all works in progress.
If you’re thinking about sleeping around in this post-divorce chapter, the only precaution I have is this — if you are not honest with yourself about where you are mentally, physically, and emotionally after your divorce then casual sex can be a quick fix for deeper unresolved issues.
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